It starts with Grandaddy falling into a chair crying, We aren't supposed to see our children die. Me having to tell Missy over the phone that you had died. Casey walking down the hall of Kim's house wearing cowboy boots, shorts, a football helmet, and carrying a toy guitar when Ty and I had to tell her you had gone to Heaven. What, Tyler did not have a gorilla mask and giant sunglasses for you to inspire her to wear, too?
The dreams of the address on Louisiana street in McKinney where I could still write you. I regret never writing to see if it would work. The Angel who would talk to me for you. My 40th birthday when Mira clutched your picture and cried: He can't come back anymore. I shouldn't have encouraged her to talk so early. You always made her laugh. No wonder she was such a happy baby. She had a constant entertaining angelic Grandaddy standing behind me cracking her up. When I would rock her, she would drift off smiling and bobbing her head to a song I knew you were playing just for her.
I do wish she could talk to you again. I can't seem to convey crucial life skills that you made look so easy to possess.
I regret that I can't make a trip to Target a grand adventure like you always did. My kids are so much fun, and they got stuck with an old lady who can't generate a second of fun to save her life.
The sun won't be up for a couple of hours, but I almost hope it will be the same gray, oppressive sky it's been for the past few days. It's more fitting than the dazzling sunny day when you died.
While I wish you were still here for my kids to know, I'm glad you can't see the waste I've become. You always hated when I squandered my potential. You would be devastated to see how I killed that potential.
I am thankful for those that grew to love me when I was a viable human being. Mom, Owen, and the kids still love me even though there's nothing worth loving anymore. I will just be grateful for the time they keep loving me until I finally manage to destroy that, too.
17 years. It seems like it just happened and that its been this way forever.
Thank God you are at peace and I will see you again. It's been the only thing to keep me sane for the last 17 years.
