May 30

It has been 17 years since the worst day of my life. I'm in the most appropriate of moods to commemorate that day. I know it won't officially be 17 years until 2:20 pm. As I have lain awake these past hours, I've thought about the dreams and memories of the last 17 years and none of the 33 years prior. Strange, isn't it?

It starts with Grandaddy falling into a chair crying, We aren't supposed to see our children die. Me having to tell Missy over the phone that you had died. Casey walking down the hall of Kim's house wearing cowboy boots, shorts, a football helmet, and carrying a toy guitar when Ty and I had to tell her you had gone to Heaven. What, Tyler did not have a gorilla mask and giant sunglasses for you to inspire her to wear, too?

The dreams of the address on Louisiana street in McKinney where I could still write you. I regret never writing to see if it would work. The Angel who would talk to me for you. My 40th birthday when Mira clutched your picture and cried: He can't come back anymore. I shouldn't have encouraged her to talk so early. You always made her laugh. No wonder she was such a happy baby. She had a constant entertaining angelic Grandaddy standing behind me cracking her up. When I would rock her, she would drift off smiling and bobbing her head to a song I knew you were playing just for her. 

I do wish she could talk to you again. I can't seem to convey crucial life skills that you made look so easy to possess. 

I regret that I can't make a trip to Target a grand adventure like you always did. My kids are so much fun, and they got stuck with an old lady who can't generate a second of fun to save her life. 

The sun won't be up for a couple of hours, but I almost hope it will be the same gray, oppressive sky it's been for the past few days. It's more fitting than the dazzling sunny day when you died. 

While I wish you were still here for my kids to know, I'm glad you can't see the waste I've become. You always hated when I squandered my potential. You would be devastated to see how I killed that potential. 

I am thankful for those that grew to love me when I was a viable human being. Mom, Owen, and the kids still love me even though there's nothing worth loving anymore. I will just be grateful for the time they keep loving me until I finally manage to destroy that, too. 

17 years. It seems like it just happened and that its been this way forever. 

Thank God you are at peace and I will see you again. It's been the only thing to keep me sane for the last 17 years. 

Today's Hot Topic

Today, the Supreme Court is considering two cases regarding gay marriage: California's repeal of Prop 8 and a case involving the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA).
I've been watching people on both sides duke it out on social media today, and both sides are guilty of intolerance. This fact does not surprise me as over the last four or five years, our society has reduced itself to the level of finger-pointing and laying blame with nobody willing to be tolerant of anyone else's position and trying to find some common ground.
With all that being said, I'm just going to state my position.
First of all, I'm probably the only person who has a middle of the road position. As Dennis Miller says, Gay marriage is about 536 on my list of political and social issues that need to be resolved.
In my opinion, leave Prop 8 alone. A select group of citizens should not have the right to have the courts overturn a decision that was voted on by a majority in a state. That's legislating from the bench, and the Supreme Court needs to stay off that slippery slope.
DOMA, on the other hand, is wrong. The Constitution is silent on the right to marry. That should absolutely be a decision made by each state. To further say that if a state allows same-sex marriage, those spouses are not entitled to the rights afforded other married couples is wholly unconstitutional.
By now, I'm sure many of my devout Christian friends want me to expound on how homosexuality is wrong. Well, allow me to disappoint you. God hates the sin but loves the sinner. God also does not differentiate on sin. Humans quantify sin. Sin is sin is sin to God. Homosexuals are not viewed any differently than how I was perceived when I lived with Owen before our wedding. I'm still a Christian and still part of the body of Christ.
I do believe Holy Matrimony is a ceremony that must be between one man and one woman. Under the eyes of the law, however, heterosexual couples get married in civil ceremonies or even get "common-law married." Are those unions less legal than church-ordained ceremonies? In the eyes of the law, no. I have also never seen those such couples ostracized by churches. What's wrong with allowing civil unions between two citizens with full rights of any legally married couple? Who does that harm?
In my opinion, legal marriage is a states-rights issue. When states decide to allow it with no condition on gender, full legal rights should be accorded to all their citizens.
The federal government has no right to order churches to perform marriage ceremonies that go against church doctrine. Any reading of the Constitution should make that clear.
My only plea is to think about where you stand on this issue. Are you imposing your personal beliefs on others despite whether you are for or against same-sex marriage? Stop it. All Jesus wants us to do is to treat others the way we want to be treated. We were not given the right to judge others, even though we are quick to do so. We are to order our lives to have Christ show through us, but judging others is not our job. If you judge someone's sexual sin, they can judge your gluttony, your lack of stewardship, foul language, or whatever sin you battle. Remember, all those things are equally bad in the eyes of The Lord.

Time to Revive

While I had the best of intentions to blog previously, I did two posts and quit. I was in the midst of a massive pity party, and I had to straighten myself out. That is a long work in progress, but it's time to get back to this.

I thought for the longest time that I had nothing of interest to say. The truth is, I probably don't have anything terribly interesting to say. I do, however, love to express my thoughts and feelings with writing. Even if this exercise ends up only being an online journal for me, hopefully, my mother and my children will enjoy reading it now or in the future.

I have also felt drawn to express my opinions in this matter after I read a post by Chris Sorensen last week. I actually wish Chris blogged so I could share his thoughts with those outside of Facebook -- which yes I can do, but not from my phone. If you are of a conservative bent and enjoy getting an honest analysis of our economy, particularly as it pertains to home mortgages, I would strongly recommend you subscribe to Chris on Facebook.

These are Chris's words that stirred my soul last week:

In 1984 one of the goals is to reduce language, for if the language is small and simple, it becomes much more difficult for the masses to “Rise Up” (Hat tip: Dr. Travis Fox) due to few capable of writing in an eloquent manner designed to stir man’s soul and even fewer who are able to read, comprehend and articulate what was written in the first place.

Sounds far-fetched? Perhaps, but how does your teen communicate? They use their Iphone and an ever decreasing vocabulary made up of abbreviated words and incomplete thoughts.

Use your Internet Browser and search what students in the 1700’s and 1800’s had to know. Then compare this with today’s students. It will shock you. Sure, more of the population is getting 'some' education, but in this effort to educate the masses we have dumbed down our educational system to a point in which we have now begun a nose dive in the world of academia.

So guess what? I do have some things I want to write about. I may not stir souls, but even if I give my own soul some breathing room, I can live with that.

I'm not setting out to become the most-read blogger; to make money; or even to start fights. This blog will be "Seinfeld" in nature . . . it's not about anything other than what I want to record in written words. I do promise when I write about political issues I will issue disclaimers so if you know you disagree with my politics you can just skip reading what I have to say that day. I'm not looking for debates, so Internet trolls can just move along. I'm going to say my piece, and if you hate it, don't bother reading me again. I won't tolerate personal attacks.

The title of this blog, Cloudy Reflections, is a tribute to my first journal I began at the age of 16, simply called "Reflections." I incorporated a play on my maiden name because I am sure clarity will not be a mainstay of my posts; I will probably ask more questions than clear up my perspective on issues.

If you decide to join me as I muse and ponder, you have my gratitude and welcome. Have a Blessed day.

Blowing on Down the Road

Not much has changed as far as how I feel, physically, but there has been a 360-degree turnaround on how I feel emotionally.

Yesterday, I was as low as I have ever been.  I got the results back from all my lab work (5 vials of blood/9 lab tests) and everything was normal except my C-reactive protein was a little high. Cause for celebration, right? Wrong. I would estimate that 98 percent of the people I know think I am: (1) faking how bad I feel; (2) am choosing to feel this awful; (3) am crazy; and/or (4) just plain lazy. Those lab results gave credence to their opinions but no factual basis for how truly miserable I am.

I promised my Mom that I would get a second opinion from a different gynecologist on the status of my hormone imbalance.  Yesterday afternoon, I made an appointment with a woman I deeply respect, and I will be seeing her in one week.  Still I was sad and feeling like a failure. I was also furious. How dare anyone think I would CHOOSE to swing from despondency to being enraged and back again.  I barely spoke two words to Owen or the kids all night, and then I cried myself to sleep.

And then something amazing happened. My Dad invaded my dreams. Daddee, Mr. Positive, Diehard Cowboys' Fan -- no matter what.  The Entertainer  -- everyone had a good time when Bobby Lee was there.  Class Favorite -- he was fun, made mundane things fun, and he always had an entourage.  Let me digress for a moment to say, it's easy to remember his finest qualities now because he has been in Paradise for 15 years now, and all the inner demons he had that destroyed him at the age 53 have been banished forever.

I'm not going to disclose everything he told me, but even though Owen and my Mom and Renie and Emily and others had tried to tell me with their words, he made me understand that even though I feel physically wretched, it's no one else's fault. It is wrong of me to take my frustrations out on my family, my friends, and shirk my responsibilities to stay in bed feeling sorry for myself.

This too shall pass, and I need to keep myself moving, keep up with my duties and responsibilities at home and at work, and eventually I will find the proper healing for my constant fatigue, my lack of appetite, my inability to concentrate and especially to remember ANYTHING!

So this Fluffybreeze is going to steal a song from her Dad's favorite playlist and Keep Blowing on Down the Road.

Bobby Lee's Signature Song -- The Breeze

Realization

Something mind-boggling occurred to me this morning.  My life is more than half over, and I have never accomplished anything.  I've gotten to experience many wonderful things but those experiences came as the result of someone else's -- typically Owen's -- labors.  I have no talents -- I can't sing or dance or play an instrument, I'm not athletic at all, I'm not artistic or creative, I can cook, but only if I follow someone else's recipe -- I cannot visualize and prepare a dish with the ingredients I have on hand.  I used to be organized but have not been for years.  The only time I get compliments on what I am wearing is when I wear a hand-me-down from Kim. I can't even do my hair right. No one has ever asked me, will you show me how to do "X"? I have no special skills. I can find information on the Internet. Big Whoop. If you've noticed, there is no book called "Google for Dummies," because anyone can use Google.
I never made any team or won any election I tried to do in HS.  I was too fearful to go to college and pursue a degree.  I never even could think of anything I could do for my major.  I have existed all these years; I have never done one thing that I can point to and say, "Hey, that was me!" How sad.
Owen and I have been blessed with two beautiful, smart children, but again, we had to go through so much to get them because I was even a failure as a woman.  I could never get pregnant. It's my honor to help Owen take care of them for he is by far the better parent.  They are only good because of the guidance he has given them and the way he has successfully undone the damage I have done to them.
I have never done anything just for me. If I deign to spend any money on myself, I feel guilty because there is so much that we need to spend for the kids or on the house.
I'm not fishing for a bunch of comments on "Oh, you've done this or that." So I made someone laugh one time, probably by plagiarizing some words I read somewhere else.  I'm nice and sweet; I got that genetically from my Mother. I should be a better parent because she is the best mother in the world, but I am too weak to meet the challenges like she showed me. I look like my Dad, but I did not inherit any of his talent or charisma. I am thankful that Owen is still here after all these years because not only am I not the pretty girl he married, I don't have the same personality either. He is the better parent, better spouse, better person.  He has done things the right way.
I only want anyone that bothers to read this to examine their own lives and learn from my mistakes.
Find a passion and pursue it.  Set goals and achieve them.  Do not just live your life by existing each day.  Believe me, you will wake up with your life half over and realize it went by too fast and now it's too late to start anything new now.