Blowing on Down the Road

Not much has changed as far as how I feel, physically, but there has been a 360-degree turnaround on how I feel emotionally.

Yesterday, I was as low as I have ever been.  I got the results back from all my lab work (5 vials of blood/9 lab tests) and everything was normal except my C-reactive protein was a little high. Cause for celebration, right? Wrong. I would estimate that 98 percent of the people I know think I am: (1) faking how bad I feel; (2) am choosing to feel this awful; (3) am crazy; and/or (4) just plain lazy. Those lab results gave credence to their opinions but no factual basis for how truly miserable I am.

I promised my Mom that I would get a second opinion from a different gynecologist on the status of my hormone imbalance.  Yesterday afternoon, I made an appointment with a woman I deeply respect, and I will be seeing her in one week.  Still I was sad and feeling like a failure. I was also furious. How dare anyone think I would CHOOSE to swing from despondency to being enraged and back again.  I barely spoke two words to Owen or the kids all night, and then I cried myself to sleep.

And then something amazing happened. My Dad invaded my dreams. Daddee, Mr. Positive, Diehard Cowboys' Fan -- no matter what.  The Entertainer  -- everyone had a good time when Bobby Lee was there.  Class Favorite -- he was fun, made mundane things fun, and he always had an entourage.  Let me digress for a moment to say, it's easy to remember his finest qualities now because he has been in Paradise for 15 years now, and all the inner demons he had that destroyed him at the age 53 have been banished forever.

I'm not going to disclose everything he told me, but even though Owen and my Mom and Renie and Emily and others had tried to tell me with their words, he made me understand that even though I feel physically wretched, it's no one else's fault. It is wrong of me to take my frustrations out on my family, my friends, and shirk my responsibilities to stay in bed feeling sorry for myself.

This too shall pass, and I need to keep myself moving, keep up with my duties and responsibilities at home and at work, and eventually I will find the proper healing for my constant fatigue, my lack of appetite, my inability to concentrate and especially to remember ANYTHING!

So this Fluffybreeze is going to steal a song from her Dad's favorite playlist and Keep Blowing on Down the Road.

Bobby Lee's Signature Song -- The Breeze

Realization

Something mind-boggling occurred to me this morning.  My life is more than half over, and I have never accomplished anything.  I've gotten to experience many wonderful things but those experiences came as the result of someone else's -- typically Owen's -- labors.  I have no talents -- I can't sing or dance or play an instrument, I'm not athletic at all, I'm not artistic or creative, I can cook, but only if I follow someone else's recipe -- I cannot visualize and prepare a dish with the ingredients I have on hand.  I used to be organized but have not been for years.  The only time I get compliments on what I am wearing is when I wear a hand-me-down from Kim. I can't even do my hair right. No one has ever asked me, will you show me how to do "X"? I have no special skills. I can find information on the Internet. Big Whoop. If you've noticed, there is no book called "Google for Dummies," because anyone can use Google.
I never made any team or won any election I tried to do in HS.  I was too fearful to go to college and pursue a degree.  I never even could think of anything I could do for my major.  I have existed all these years; I have never done one thing that I can point to and say, "Hey, that was me!" How sad.
Owen and I have been blessed with two beautiful, smart children, but again, we had to go through so much to get them because I was even a failure as a woman.  I could never get pregnant. It's my honor to help Owen take care of them for he is by far the better parent.  They are only good because of the guidance he has given them and the way he has successfully undone the damage I have done to them.
I have never done anything just for me. If I deign to spend any money on myself, I feel guilty because there is so much that we need to spend for the kids or on the house.
I'm not fishing for a bunch of comments on "Oh, you've done this or that." So I made someone laugh one time, probably by plagiarizing some words I read somewhere else.  I'm nice and sweet; I got that genetically from my Mother. I should be a better parent because she is the best mother in the world, but I am too weak to meet the challenges like she showed me. I look like my Dad, but I did not inherit any of his talent or charisma. I am thankful that Owen is still here after all these years because not only am I not the pretty girl he married, I don't have the same personality either. He is the better parent, better spouse, better person.  He has done things the right way.
I only want anyone that bothers to read this to examine their own lives and learn from my mistakes.
Find a passion and pursue it.  Set goals and achieve them.  Do not just live your life by existing each day.  Believe me, you will wake up with your life half over and realize it went by too fast and now it's too late to start anything new now.